It's A New Day

Hello World! I've been introduced to blogging by one of my best friends. Mike has given me the inspiration and strength to put myself  (my complete self) on the table for all to know. And I want to thank him personally from the bottom of my heart because every time I'm around him he opens up a new world to me that I never knew existed.  We all have skeletons in our closets, and in watching Mike live his life, I was compelled to finally bury mine rightfully.

My name is Jasmine. I'm 24 on this date and a month from now I will be a quarter century.  I grew up in the Washington D.C. area until I graduated High School. I now live in Hampton Roads to support the US Armed Forces. I always try to put on a cheerful and happy facade when out facing the world, all the while knowing that I am slowly deteriorating on the inside. I make it a point to come across as strong, secure, and solid. Every once in a blue moon I get real depressed by memories of the first half of my life. I have lived the second half  trying to suppress the God awful memories of my childhood. I try to run away, but it doesn't matter how far I run because the pain is like a marathon runner; it doesn't matter how far I go before it catches back up to me to cause discontent and sorrow. I am currently taking a Philosophy class and one thing that I've learned about is Self Actualization. Self Actualization or Self Acceptance was thought to be the final process of happiness. Because once you turn around and face who you really are then life is much more pleasant to live. Today I will finally face my demons and pick of the pieces of my shattered self.

I remember being 4 years old and being dropped off  to my first day of Pre Kinder garden. My mom kissed me goodbye and left me with my class. The entire day was spent hiding behind the refrigerator in the play kitchen. I've always been very shy and kind of quiet and I've learned to come out of my shell. I was raised in a semi religious family of five: The Catholic husband, the Baptist wife, two daughters and the son. I am the oldest. My parents put on airs of being the perfect middle class working family when we really were/are dysfunctional. My immediate family is all the family I know. I know no extended members except a few cousins and my grandmother. My father was born illegitimate to a woman when she was 14 or 15. Her family hid her pregnancy and when my father was born, his mother gave him away to her older brother because he and his wife were unable to have kids. I grew up knowing this couple as my grandparents and I accept them as love them as such. My father grew up bitter and angry about be "handed off like a loaf of bread" and wrote every single member of my paternal family off. His concealed pain in turn isolated us from knowing our family. He has no contact with his real mother, and barely maintains his relationship with his adopted one. My mother's family disapproved of her relationship with my father and has been estranged ever since. I sometimes feel unloved by my immediate family. I talk to no one except my mother. I try to put that thought in the back of my mind but it forces itself back to the forefront. My siblings and I are not close at all. I felt like my sister and brothers were best friends and I couldn't relate. I grew up very jealous of my sister because she was everything I wasn't: outgoing, lively, exciting and popular. Her and I have a bitter rivalry that started when we were very young. I remember all of us were sitting at the dinner table one night and my father said "When Jennika grows up she is going to be so beautiful." and my mother said "What about Jasmine?" and he replied "She aight."  I was so hurt and bothered by that. Why couldn't I be beautiful as well? My sister always received compliments from strangers growing up about how gorgeous she was and I felt like a second hand version. I was teased incessantly from Elementary School up until I graduated from High School. I remember my nickname in 3rd or 4th grade was "Monkey Face". That nickname was burned into my skull from my peers who thought it amusing. In Middle school I wore payless shoes that would leave marks on the floors if you drag your feet, corduroy pants, and my mothers old clothes from the 80's. I was always the butt of some one's mean joke and I felt like hiding everyday. I remember I was sent by a teacher to deliver something to the Music teacher and upon entering class I was barked at like a dog. In shop class, I remember being told by a kid that sat behind me that I was ugly. I even had a kid named Michael that lived a few houses up from me remind me how ugly I was every chance he got. I grew to 5'7 (the height I'm at now) but only weighed 110 pounds. So not only was I ugly I was "anorexic" and "bony". My parents called me names as well growing up and  I felt chopped down. I sat in the house everyday a couple of summers instead of playing outside for fear of being chastised and taunted. In high school, my life took a turn for the worse. 

I felt so ugly and unloved that I thought I needed to have sex with boys to be accepted. I had only been 14 for one month when I lost my virginity to a boy who I don't even know or remember. In Algebra I had met a high school senior who I was smitten with. His name was Michael (too many Michael's in that area) and he was the first guy to have a real interest in me. If he was pretending then he put on a good act. He was the first guy to ever tell me I was beautiful and when we had sex we made love. I felt overjoyed when I was around him. Around this time my relationship with my mother grew stormy. She gave me my own phone line only to disconnect it because I got smart with her. She would yell at me and call me a bony ugly bitch and I hated her for it. I would overhear her talking negative about me to her friends over the phone. Soon after I met Michael I had fallen pregnant. I constantly worried about what I was going to do. My mother thought I was a virgin. She preached about being a virgin until marriage like she was. I hid my pregnancy for a while. I remember my family went to the beach and my cousin Janell said that I was getting a pot belly. I told her it was from eating too much food. I almost passed out that day in the hot summer sun. I started tenth grade and I finally came out and told my mother about my pregnancy. She took me to get an abortion, and she beat me afterwards. I never felt so ashamed in all of my life. My father found out and I felt that my parents distanced themselves from me emotionally. They found out that their oldest daughter was sleeping around and pregnant at 14 when other kids were still virgins. No one talked to me unless they had to. I became deeply depressed and tried to kill myself. It didn't work and my mother frowned down upon me even more. My 10th grade year I skipped school almost 100 times because I grew tired of the teasing. I was bony and had no ass or tits and was unfit in the eyes of everyone. So I got high and slept with more boys to ease my pain. My fighting with my mother grew and she kicked me out of the house with nothing. I couldn't even pack. I went to an abandoned house and slept the night. I snuck back in the house when my sister told my mother that I was back home. My sister didn't want me home either. My mother let me stay and the fighting continued. In high school I had became friends with a group of girls who turned on me and plotted to jump me. I never felt so betrayed. A girl found out that I was talking about her behind her back and she coerced the other girls to treat me like shit. I admit I was wrong for talking about the girl and I realize that today.  When we all were still friends we went out with three guys and one girl made a list of who the guys thought looked the best. I was dead last. Then the guys decided to couple up with some of my friends and the guys asked this one particular guy if he could take one for the team and I overheard him saying "I don' t like skinny girls". At this point this was the norm so I didn't give a crap. I met a guy through a friend and we clicked immediately. I was 16 and he was 18. He was kicked out of the Army and lived with his mom. My mother disapproved of our relationship. Over time he started to annoy me because he was so clingy and needy. He always wanted to be around me 24/7. We maintained a relationship but I started seeing another guy that I worked with after school. At 17 I became pregnant again, but this time I didn't know who the father was. I aborted again knowing deep down inside I was sad again at my state of affairs (pregnant twice only 17) and I wanted to keep the child, but I was to enlist in the Military and needed to get away from my mother and my family. I got into bitter fights with my sister when my mother was hospitalized for 9 months (bad car accident). After one particular fight my sister taunted me with the words "YOU"RE GOING TO HELL! YOU"RE GOING TO HELL!"After the abortion my parents signed me over to the Military. I was so happy to get away to a new world and eager to leave my past life in the past. When I walked away from the D.C. area, I never looked back. I kept in contact with no one from school or my neighborhood. It was if I vanished. I wanted to erase the memories away and live a new life.

Once in the Military I cleaned up my act. I stopped sleeping around, and maintained monogamous relationships. I focused on trying to make the Military a career and made it up the ranks pretty fast. Now that I have money I buy nice expensive clothes and things for myself because growing up I had to live without. I make it a point to always dress like new money. I stared to get compliments on my looks and I graciously accept them, but deep down inside my insecurities tell me that the compliments are insincere and I will always be that ugly bony bitch with no figure, tits, or ass. I gained 30 pounds being in the Military, but it is still never enough. I don't have a huge Buffy ass and I only have a large B cup. I feel a twinge whenever someone jokes on my body. They tell me to lighten up but I want to tell them so bad that they don't know what I been through. I fight everyday not to get depressed over why things are they way they are. I got married in 2007 to a man who only loved himself. I kissed the ground he walked on. 8 months later he told me he thought the marriage was a mistake and he felt we moved too fast. My world was turned upside down. Now at 25 I have had 2 abortions as a teenager and a failed marriage to put the icing on the cake. My professional life is great, but I feel empty on the inside. I feel hallow, like some thing's amiss. I want so bad to be some one's other half. I want so bad to be loved and accepted. I want to raise the family I never had. But instead I feel like recycled trash. I have fears that I will be one of those females who put their all into their careers only to come home to an empty house with an empty soul. I keep my optimisms high and hope for a good outcome in all of this. I hope that in picking up the shattered pieces I can put them back together and kill the demons that been nagging at me for years. I hope that I inspire others that read this like Mike inspired me to open up for the first time. This is me.